"Second place"

"What do you want?" asked Ammi, in a harsh tone, "Don't you have any work to do?"

I stood there quiet. "Go get milk for your brother. He must be hungry", she said.

I went to the kitchen. I poured milk into a steel bowl and put it on the stove. We cooked food on a kerosene stove. There was a fireplace in the kitchen. The fire would burn whole day in winters. It was a cold day. I went to the fireplace to warm my hands.

As I looked at the flames, I thought about the wood- How it begins its life as a small tree planted in soil, grows big, then someday some woodcutter cuts it down and we burn it to ashes. Selfish, is it?

Our teacher used to say that plants have life too. They breathe and feel like us humans. He would take the whole class out on fridays and show us different trees and plants. He made us plant few trees too.

I had completely forgotten about the milk on stove. I was so lost in the flames that I could hardly hear the milk come to boil until I heard Ammi calling out my name. "Asma! Asma! What happened to the milk? Why don't you reply? Are you dead or what? Your brother is hungry", she kept shouting in anger and disgust. I ran to the stove quickly and got hold of the utensil with bare hands and put it down. I gave myself a slap for not being careful. Ammi was angry and she had not stopped shouting yet. But after a point, I stopped paying an ear to her. I poured the milk into a glass and ran to the room. As I entered the room, Ammi didn't look at me at all but continued with the scolding. "One job you can't do well. Such lazy and careless person you are. I still curse the time you came into our life." She took the glass from my hands. "Ah! This is so hot", she said and put it on the floor. "Do you want to kill your brother? This milk is burning. Let your Abbu come. I will talk to him. We will send you back."

I was 3 months old when my Amma died. I don't even know how she looked. I was left in an orphanage by an acquaintance. Badi Aapa look after everyone in the orphanage. She told me that no one knew about my father. He had left my mother and went abroad. He never came back.

Abbu and Ammi brought me home when I was 5 years old.

"Badi Aapa wants to see you in her office", Kaka came to call me when I was sitting in my room drawing a tree on a piece of paper. I went to Badi Aapa's office.

"Here she comes. Come in darling. Say Salaam to these nice people", she pointed towards the man and the lady. They turned and smiled. "Salam-u-alaikum", I said. "Walaikum salam", they said. The lady got up and came to me, held my hands and kissed them. "So lovely. You have such soft hands. What is your name, beta?", she asked.

I didn't reply. Badi Aapa could see that I was scared. She had known me for years. I was not very good at meeting new people and I was too young to realise what was going on.

"Asma.", Badi Aapa said and turned towards me. "Asma Jaan, these people want to take you home with them. They will buy you new clothes, books and send you to school too. They are your Ammi and Abbu".

I looked down. I didn't know what to say. Why does Badi Aapa want to send me away? What did I do? Did I break any rule? Did I not be nice to everyone? I couldn't think of any good reason to send me away.

Another moment, my bags were packed and I had to leave. My eyes were full of water. I talked to none, sat in the car and left.

Abbu and Ammi bought me new clothes, chocolates and got me admitted to a school. Abbu would take me to the school and pick me up in the evening. Every morning Ammi would pack my tiffin and wave me off for school. She would always cook my favorite dishes.

I had a family now. I was the most loved kid. I was not an orphan anymore.

Ammi was still furious, more at the fact that I was not paying attention and was busy in my own thoughts. She put the brother down and got up, "I will never ask you to do any work now. You can't even help your Ammi. What are you here for, then? You are nothing but a disappointment", she said and went to the kitchen.

My brother was 4 years old. He called me Aapa. He was born a year after I came to this house. Abbu was so happy that he distributed sweets in the whole neighborhood. " This is my first child. My son.", he would say. "Asma, did you see your brother?", he said to me. Then he took out a 50 rupees note and said, "Take this. Go buy some sweets and distribute among your friends in school. Tell them you have a brother now."

"They won't love you the way they did. They will love him more", my friends said. I never believed them. I loved my bhaiya. We played together all the time. We played hide and seek. I would tell him fairy tales and he believed each one of them.

"I want to meet the fairy too", he would say.

But things changed. It was not same again. Never.

Abbu came back in the evening. He greeted everyone. Ammi was still upset. She had not talked to me since morning. Abbu tried to talk to her but she got up and went to the adjacent room. Abbu followed her.

Why was Ammi so upset? Because I couldn't warm the milk well? Was it just that or something else was pestering her. I wondered.

Not even a minute had passed, Ammi started shouting at Abbu. She was crying. Abbu tried to calm her down but she wouldn't listen.

"I don't want that orphan in my house. I don't want Azam jaan to live with her. Do you even know what neighbours say? Bibi Shazia told me things I couldn't believe. I don't want that to happen to us. Ask her to leave or I will leave with my son," she shouted.

Bibi Shazia was a neighbour and Ammi's good friend. She came to visit Ammi often and Ammi went to her place too. Neighbours had been telling Ammi stories. I, myself, heard Bibi Shazia telling her about a family like ours where the adopted kid killed their baby because he feared that he won't be loved. But I never thought Ammi would believe them. She knew I loved Azam.

Abbu came out and closed the door behind him. "What happened, Abbu? Why is Ammi so angry?", Azam asked.
"Nothing kid. Ammi is upset. She will be fine", he said and smiled at me.

Abbu would have never asked me to leave. He had promised Badi Aapa that he would always love me as his own daughter.

But how could I stay? How could I live at a place where I was being seen as a threat? I couldn't be a cause of fear for Ammi.

So I left when it got dark. And I left to never return.